Mr. Hilarious

At least I think he's hilarious . . . .

Now he's a cool dude . . .

Like his peace sign?

My Newest Fish

We spent last weekend in Provo, UT. We had a great time because we were all together. I love that my older kids live in the same place so we can go visit all of them at once. I love having all of us together.

My oldest son and his wife are house shopping so we visited several homes in the Spanish Fork area and we dragged all of the kids with us. After a long day, we decided to take everyone swimming at the Provo Rec. Center (we tried to go to Seven Peaks but it was way too crowded).

My kids are all fish. Child #4 was swimming around the pool (with floaties) when she was 18 months old. She had no fear of the water at all. In fact, none of my kids have ever feared the water except for my youngest son. He usually hangs onto his dad for dear life when we're swimming. He'll splash a bit but only if he's still clinging to one of us. He's never been one to brave the water much.

This time he was with his oldest brother in the pool and he was still a bit fearful. When his brother showed him that he could touch the ground and still have his head above water he instantly changed into a water-lover. I was shocked to see him walking through the water splashing kids and laughing. He had a great time and he wasn't afraid. Yay!

I grew up next to the ocean and I swam all the time. I spent every summer at the beach (I have the wrinkles to prove it). I love the water and I want my kids to love, and respect, the water. I wasn't sure if my youngest would ever enjoy swimming but this weekend proved that he does. He's my newest fish. 

People with Special Needs Have Talents Too

Julie Coulter Bellon, a popular LDS author, has posted a review of my book, The Upside of Down, on her blog. The review is wonderful, but I absolutely loved the experience she shared while working in the Special Needs Mutual program. It gave me tears as I read about this young man. If you have a chance, please go read her post, it's so uplifting and such a beautiful testament that people with special needs have talents just like everyone else.

Julie's blog post.

Thank you, Julie, for such a kind review and for such an inspiring message.

Grandpa and Abortion

My grandparents raised my sister and me after the death of both our parents. I'm very thankful they were willing to take on two little girls in their retirement years and raise us. I know they did the best they could, but Grandpa and I never really saw eye-to-eye. He hated the Mormon Church and always encouraged me to leave it. He only had one rule for me growing up: never come home with a baby. He told me I could experiment with whomever and whatever I wanted as long as I never brought home a baby. I could get pregnant I just couldn't bring the baby home.

While many teens might have loved only having one rule, I didn't. And I chose to live my life very differently. I found the LDS Church and hung onto it for dear life while traversing the tumultuous tides of adolescence. Today, I am ever so grateful that I made those choices early on.

Grandpa was in favor of abortion. He used to start arguments with me about it and maybe that's why I feel so strongly about it now. I remember talking about a friend of mine, who was married and quite young at the time, whose pregnancy had been diagnosed with Down syndrome. Grandpa asked how far along she was and when I said she was halfway through the pregnancy he said, "Oh, it's too late to get rid of it." I still remember that pit-of-the-stomach feeling that he could so easily dismiss the life of a child just because it would have an extra chromosome.

Grandpa has since passed away, but that memory popped into my mind when my own son was diagnosed with DS. How would Grandpa have felt when my son was born? Would he have encouraged me to give him up for adoption? Would he have never accepted my son? Would he have ignored him, or worse been mean to him? I don't dwell on these questions, or the answers, because they are painful. But the truth is, Grandpa was, and is, not alone in the opinion that abortion is a viable option for an unwanted pregnancy, especially one diagnosed with problems.

90% of all women whose pregnancies are diagnosed with DS choose to terminate the pregnancy and end the child's life. That thought sickens me. I cannot imagine my life without my son. I cannot imagine throwing away his life simply because it takes him a little longer to do things.

He has a speech delay. So what? He isn't potty-trained. So what? He laughs, he sings, he plays, he gives hugs and kisses. And when all is said and done he will be the one who's rooting for me to make better choices so that I can be with him forever.

I choose to look at my life with Grandpa as a blessing. It was in his home that I first formed my own testimony and where I learned what I truly wanted to do with my life. I am thankful that though we disagreed on almost everything on a daily basis, it helped me to make life-altering decisions. Grandpa may never have accepted my son, but I know, without any doubt, that my son was meant to come to my family and that he has a great mission ahead of him. Whatever that mission is, it would never happen if I'd listened to Grandpa and aborted him.
   

How Dare She

My kids have been sick so I was holding my youngest son and watching TV. I happened upon a Dr. Phil show. I never watch Dr. Phil but thought I'd give it a try since it was about a bully and I was bullied a lot in elementary school.

The guest was a semi-attractive woman who openly admitted bullying people. At the grocery store, on different occasions, she'd reached into people's carts and pulled out foods she thought they shouldn't eat because they were fat and she told them so. She'd told a woman in a nightclub that no matter how long she looked in the mirror she'd never be attractive and she'd do the club a favor if she went home because her ugliness was detracting from the club.  She was rude to anyone and everyone who she came in contact with.

While the above was appalling, I was floored when she admitted to hating people with disabilities. She said they should all be put in institutions so she wouldn't have to look at them. And the worst was yet to come--she said she had a cousin with Down syndrome that she thought was disgusting. She'd given money to her grandparents so they could take the child and place it in a home so she wouldn't have to deal with this cousin. At one family party she was embarrassed by her cousin's attempt at dancing so she kicked her and knocked her to the ground. She said handicapped people make her sick and she doesn't want to see them anywhere. How dare she say such things and treat people this way.

I couldn't believe this woman and her attitude toward people, especially those with challenges. To think that my son may meet someone like her made me teary. Was this woman for real? Can someone actually be this heartless toward another human being, let alone someone who has a disability? Really?

On the heels of a comment made by a kid in my ward about my own son being retarded, this show made me want to take my sweet little boy and keep him from the world and protect him from such mean people. It has never bothered me that he has Down syndrome, but what bothers me is how people treat him, or may treat him in the future, because of it. It will be my trial to control my mouth when someone is mean to my son because of his chromosome count.

Having him sometimes gives me a small glimpse into what Heavenly Father must have felt when people treated His son with such disrespect and cruelty. The Savior deserved none of the cruel treatment he received. I can only hope that somehow I will be more like Heavenly Father when I see the same thing happen to my son.

The "R" Word

This morning I am trying extra hard to not be offended because I've just experienced what I'm sure will be down the road not only from those who are simply ignorant but also from those who are deliberately being mean.

My daughter told me that she was making a comment about her youngest brother just in passing. A young man in our ward turned to her and said, "You mean the retarded one?"

She replied, "He is not retarded."

He said, "Yes, he is. He's mentally retarded."

This is a kid who doesn't do well in school himself and in social situations is somewhat slow. If we look at the meaning of the word "retarded" it means to be delayed or to be slowed down. In that sense, this young man would certainly qualify for the term. In fact, applied in the academic sense, many children at our elementary school are "retarded" because they do not function on grade level.

However, in most cases this term is used to degrade someone else.

"Retard" is no longer used in the special needs community and has become such a derogatory term that it is offensive to those who are involved with the special needs community. We need to educate those around us. We do not need to perpetuate the idea that people with special needs are not valuable members of society.

I hope we can take the time to educate those around us and let people know that using the word "retard" is offensive and should never be used to degrade another human being. My son may have his challenges but so does everyone. He doesn't deserve to be mistreated simply because he has an extra chromosome.

Sharing Control

The next idea in Play to Talk by James MacDonald and Pam Stoika is to share control with your child.

As adults, we tend to dominate conversations and take control of situations, especially with children. Kids who are late talkers may be intimidated and instead of contributing to a conversation will allow the adult to dominate. In order to encourage late talking kids to participate, we need to allow them to control the conversation or lead the play 50% of the time. Maybe we don't want to talk about SpongeBob or play Barbies but if we allow the child to control what we do or talk about half of  the time he or she will be more likely to participate.

As a mother of ten, I've found that what my kids find interesting and what I find interesting are usually worlds apart. They don't want to talk about plotting, characterization, or story arc and I generally don't like to dissect cartoons, but if I want to reach my son and encourage him to talk, I need to be open to what he wants to talk about, including SpongeBob (which I think makes kids' brains fall out their ears).

Instead of asking questions all the time (something I do regularly to initiate conversations with my older kids) the authors suggest that we limit questions to only 20% of the time and use the rest of the conversation to make comments. They also suggest allowing the child to take the lead 50% of the time so that the child feels in control and feels like an active participant.

I know I'm guilty of being too bossy. It's so much easier to direct everything, but it's not helpful to always tell my kids, especially my son, what to do. I can be a control freak--I like everything under control and I like to know what's happening, when, where, how, etc. I need to work on that.

Here's a suggestion:

Try commenting on what the child is doing without asking questions and be sure to match the language level of the child. Try this 5 times a day for about 5 minutes each.

The point of this book, and what parents of speech-delayed children are hoping, is to encourage verbal communication. My son can communicate almost anything. He picks up signs so easily, but the world we live in doesn't cater to signs and since he's capable of speech I need to do what I can to encourage him to use his verbal skills.